Emmelyn turned one month old on September 10. It went by in the blink of an eye and it is hard to remember what we've even been up to. It's all a blur of feeding, changing diapers, snuggling and comforting her. In honor of her one-month milestone. Here is a list of 10 ruminations that I've had about motherhood so far:
1. The world doesn’t look the same after a baby. This is a cliché, but one that has become a cliché for good reason. My last almost three years as a crime reporter has meant I’ve written dozens and dozens of stories about murders, child abuse and all things atrocious. This week, there were two news stories that even 6 months ago I would have been able to look at objectively as a journalist –the murder of two children in their Layton home by a deranged mother and a sexual assault on a 4-year-old in a Sandy thrift store by a registered sex offender. I was horrified. Horrified in a new and different way than I could have felt before Emmelyn. Not that I wouldn’t have been horrified as a journalist, but learning to be a journalist who is also a mother could be one of my most challenging transitions to come. My awesome editor wrote to me at my Utah baby shower “Enjoy the good moments and take a deep breath on the bad days. At the end of the day, you will always remember what a blessing you have.” A simple piece of advice that couldn’t be more true.
2. At my Utah baby shower, attended by many of my writer friends here, each person was asked to write some advice or a wish for my baby. This was one of the best gifts received, as I have all these papers in a scrapbook for Emmelyn. One of the wishes was “You already have all the tools you’ll need to be a mother. “ And also said something along the lines of “You know more than you think you know.” While Joe and I learn something new everyday, I think we both feel good about the parents we are becoming, realizing that we do have the tools to love and care for Em –now that we’ve had a month with her and didn’t exactly know exactly how we’d do it or be with her before she was born. There are challenging moments –and many more challenging moments to come –but being our own little family without family nearby to rely on has made us stronger as a couple. Sure, we wish we lived closer to family sometimes (I know some of them wish we’d move back ASAP!) ;-) But I think we’ve adjusted to parenthood faster than some, as we’ve had to do it on our own, after our initial family visitors went back to MN. We loved, loved having my parents out here (and we can't wait to steal a nap when they come to town again soon). Don't get me wrong about that...it's just we hear about friends/people --especially new dads --who will say "Oh, I haven't changed a diaper yet, etc." because SO much family has been around to do it all for them. That is great too, but I'm just glad we're on our own to some degree and have established our own routine. I think we're better parents for it.
3. People say, “You won’t remember what life was like before your baby.” This is so true. I don’t remember what Joe and I used to talk about. And it is hard to remember doing the things we enjoyed without Em along –we’ve been pretty brave and taken her hiking, to soccer games, to parties, shopping and to the parks for walks. I sort of feared I would be overly homebound, but that hasn’t been the case. She’s pretty easy going and has adjusted with us right into our routine. So while we don’t really remember what life used to be like, we’re not really missing what life used to be like!
4. Never understimate the power of baby Oxi Clean. I mean, wow. I could be a spokeswoman for that product. It is amazing. As is the Boppy Newborn Lounger. How did people have babies before these things existed? Also never understimate how many loads of laundry a 6-pound person can create in one week. Or how much a tiny person can eat, poop and spit up.
5. Little girls can find a way to pee on you when you are changing their diapers just as effectively as little boys can. In Emmelyn’s case, perhaps more effectively than a little boy could.
6. The politics of motherhood are amazing. People have such strong feelings about birth experiences and child rearing. It’s amazing how often they want to pitch in their two cents –and are adamant that their way is the right way. I stay far, far away from the breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding debate and quietly do my own thing (which for my family is a little of both). Also, the anti-c-section group is a rabid bunch (*Disclaimer: I am not referring to one person or people, but more just of general literature/theories/thought process of a certain sector out there when it comes to birth). They like to inquire, “Why did you do THAT?” when it comes to c-sections. This pisses me off, and I don’t feel a need to explain, and I really don’t like the mentality that having a c-section is somehow taking “the easy way out” of having a child. I e-mailed a local c-section support group, looking for support/tips on healing from the surgery. What I got was a bunch of stuff on VBACs and how I shouldn't let a doctor talk me into doing a second c-section if I don't need it. Um, let's cross that bridge when we get there, you know?!?!
When I do occasionally acknowledge this crowd’s question, I explain that I had pre-eclampsia that had progressed to a level where my doctors feared I would be at a high risk for having life-threatening seizures during a conventional delivery. Once they realize that I’m not some New Yorker who scheduled an elective c-section so I could make my vacation in the Hamptons, they tend to be a little nicer once realizing that I had a medical reason for the procedure. The lesson in all of this to me is this: People’s medical decisions are their own business and they don’t owe you an explanation for why they made them. Also, don’t assume you know someone’s reasons for making said medical decisions. Perhaps you don’t know the whole story and perhaps you don’t need to know.
That said, I actually love hearing advice from others (especially close friends and family whose opinions I trust and respect) about their challenges and how they overcame them. It’s nice to know that other mothers get tired, confused or overwhelmed at times too.
7. While sometimes I’m a little taken aback by people’s unsolicited advice (OK random Wal-Mart cashier who saw Em's face, which was a little dry one day, and suggested a certain lotion to treat my baby's apparent "skin condition"), I find myself holding back my own opinions. Emmelyn and I went to Target for the “baby sale” the other day. In the breastfeeding aisle, was an 8 or 9-months-pregnant woman scratching her head. I was this woman a month ago. I mean, there are like 6 different breat pump models, endless amounts of gadgets, cleansers and other supplies –where does a new mom know where to start? This particular woman was starting a baby registry and had her mom with her (the woman looked close to my age; her mom looked close to my mom’s age). I picked up a pack of the Medela “quick clean wipes” and put them in my basket. I kept walking down the aisle and the mom-to-be picked up what I’d just picked up and asked her mom, “Should I register for this?” Her mom replied “I have no idea. They didn’t have half of this crap when I had children. We just had the baby and went day to day and hope everything turned out all right.” I was really tempted to turn around and tell her to register for the “quick clean wipes” as well as extra shields and connectors. But then I stopped myself from going way too TMI and scaring the crap out of the mom-to-be. I realized that she would realize shortly after her baby what she will need, and four weeks after having a baby, she won’t be scratching her head in the aisle anymore like I had been, just a month ago! You learn to navigate products quickly.
8. Babies R Us doesn’t scare me anymore. I refused to register there because there is just way too much crap in that store and I had no idea how to start choosing. Now I can go in there and it makes sense. Once you’ve tried to bathe a figedty newborn and figured out how helpful a bath pillow can be, been spit up on because you haven’t bought enough burp cloths or realized the power of a musical toy to clip on a car seat, the merchandise at Babies R Us makes more sense. But before baby, I still wouldn’t know where to start in that place.
9. Screaming children in the grocery store don’t bother me anymore. I now feel empathy and not annoyance. I’m just glad it is someone else’s kid doing the screaming, and not mine. (Yet anyway). I wouldn’t yet categorize myself as a patient person, but I think I’ve made some strides in that direction since baby Emmy arrived.
10. Mothers seem to have some sort of unspoken club of kindness that they’ve graciously made me a part of. The other day Emmelyn and I went to Old Navy to shop for some hoodies after I realized that most of her 3-month-old outfits are short sleeved. The Fort Union Old Navy doesn’t have automatic doors and I was struggling to figure out how to open the door while pushing Emmelyn’s stroller. I saw another mom with about a 1 1/2-year-old walk from a couple aisles away to help me with the door. She was so friendly –and I really appreciated just this small gesture of making life a little easier! I’ll remember to pass on the favor in a couple months when I get around with the baby quicker and spot a brand new mom who could use a hand.
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